Missing My Mom

In February it will be coming up on 2 years since my Mom past. As the time goes by it doesn't feel like it's been that long. The pain is still so fresh and feels like it was just yesterday.  I don't think I'll ever get over it. I've learned to cope with her being gone but it still feels like a bad dream. I'm not sure how I even survived it. You really don't know how much you can handle until it's presented to you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, wonder what she's doing, or what she would do in every situation that araises. Sometimes I feel so alone but I know she's here with me. Trying to remind myself of how much she was suffering and that now she's at peace. But the selfishness in me still wants her near. I would never want her to suffer though. Being the soul caretaker for someone who is battling cancer is very hard but also very rewarding. Although she was in constant pain she still managed to have good times and we still had quite a few laughs. Even though our days were filled with chemo and radiation treatments we still bonded so much. I was honored to be by her side in her worst of times and I'm so thankful that she got to pass away at home in peace.  If that is the only thing I could of done to help her it was to let her go her way. I will never forget the last 24 hours we spent together. I was her advocate for her whole journey. Trying to stay strong and getting the rest of the family to follow her wishes. Then when it came to the final hours I broke down. My heart wasn't ready. All those speeches telling everyone to let her do it her way and to let her stop fighting the fight if that's how she felt and at the end it was me who didn't want to let go. We all sat surrounding her bed for the whole night. At around 3am we all ended up falling asleep except for my brother. He stayed awake and watched her so I could rest for a few hours. He woke me up at 9am and told me he had to take his wife home to get her medicine. As soon as he left I went in to sit with Mom and as soon as I sat down and held her hand, told her I was there and comforted her she took her last breath and was gone. I've never seen anyone die before but somehow I just knew she was gone. I told her that I loved her and that it was okay for her to go. All while she was taking her last breath. I walked in to the living room and looked at my dad and said she's gone. And my eyes filled with tears. Then I called up my brother and told him to come back and that she was gone and to please drive safe. Hospice showed up to declare her passed and then called the funeral home. I then gave my Mom hugs and kisses for the last time and told her that I loved her and that my sister and niece loved her too very much. I wish I could of spent more time with her and I know I could of by my concern was letting her go before Mags woke up. I didn't know how she would react or want her to see our Mom being carried out of the house in sheets. It was the hardest day of my life. And still feels like yesterday.