Just some thoughts...

Things have been hectic lately. My moms cancer came back. She went in for her second biopsy and she went through it fine. Came home after surgery and everything slowly went downhill from there. Her right side got weaker and weaker. She lost mobility in her arm. And most of her mobility in her leg. Her speech went too. Then she suffered from UTI's. She was hospitalized a few times to receive antibiotics to fight the infection. The infection cleared and then it would come back. Her body has been through so much she no longer has the fight left in her to fight off the infection. Her body is constantly trying to battle the cancer and is so tired. Everyday I watch her slowly decline. She would use all the energy she had to get into the wheel chair to come into the livingroom. And the transfers from the wheel chair to the couch and the couch to the wheel chair and the wheel chair to bed wore her out. After a few weeks she just couldnt take it anymore. Shes on hospice and no longer wants to fight the cancer nor the UTI infections. So its just a matter of time before shes gone. Even though this is what she wants and I respect her wishes its so hard to watch. But everyday I find some kind of strength to keep pushing and keep trying to make her days brighter, and to keep her comfortable. I take each day at a time. I constantly wonder is today the day. Am I gonna find her passed? What will I do? How will I react? The truth is I dont know. I can not prepare myself for this because its just not something you can predict. Even though I have mentally been trying to prepare myself for this for quite some time. I just can't. Letting go is so hard. And I am in this alone. Even though there are people I can talk to I still feel alone. Nobody else has been here through it all. I have been with my Mom every step of the way since she was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. I went to every doctors visit, Every radiation and chemo treatment. I have taken care of her this whole time. Everyday and every hour of every minute side by side like two peas in one pod. I cant possible begin to tell you that even though my Mom has speech problems and cant get out what she wants to say, in my heart I already know. Thats how close we have become. I can tell you what she wants before she can mutter the words out of her mouth. I have done everything possible to keep her content. I grew up in a family where showing emotion was something we did in crisis situations. I have kept my feelings inside for so long I dont even know how to let them out. I have had a wall up and kept to myself I have no friends and no one that is truly even there for me besides family. I cant blame anyone for that besides myself. Because I have to be the one to make the effort to let people in and I have to be the one to make the step towards wanting friendship. I have spent a majority of my teenage life and adult life taking care of my family. I dont even know what I am going to do with myself. I will still have my handicapped sister to take care of but I've been taken care of two people for so long I will still feel lost. I dont know what the future holds. But for now I'll just spend as much time as I can with my Mom and figure things out later. Its a scary road....