Missing My Mom

In February it will be coming up on 2 years since my Mom past. As the time goes by it doesn't feel like it's been that long. The pain is still so fresh and feels like it was just yesterday.  I don't think I'll ever get over it. I've learned to cope with her being gone but it still feels like a bad dream. I'm not sure how I even survived it. You really don't know how much you can handle until it's presented to you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, wonder what she's doing, or what she would do in every situation that araises. Sometimes I feel so alone but I know she's here with me. Trying to remind myself of how much she was suffering and that now she's at peace. But the selfishness in me still wants her near. I would never want her to suffer though. Being the soul caretaker for someone who is battling cancer is very hard but also very rewarding. Although she was in constant pain she still managed to have good times and we still had quite a few laughs. Even though our days were filled with chemo and radiation treatments we still bonded so much. I was honored to be by her side in her worst of times and I'm so thankful that she got to pass away at home in peace.  If that is the only thing I could of done to help her it was to let her go her way. I will never forget the last 24 hours we spent together. I was her advocate for her whole journey. Trying to stay strong and getting the rest of the family to follow her wishes. Then when it came to the final hours I broke down. My heart wasn't ready. All those speeches telling everyone to let her do it her way and to let her stop fighting the fight if that's how she felt and at the end it was me who didn't want to let go. We all sat surrounding her bed for the whole night. At around 3am we all ended up falling asleep except for my brother. He stayed awake and watched her so I could rest for a few hours. He woke me up at 9am and told me he had to take his wife home to get her medicine. As soon as he left I went in to sit with Mom and as soon as I sat down and held her hand, told her I was there and comforted her she took her last breath and was gone. I've never seen anyone die before but somehow I just knew she was gone. I told her that I loved her and that it was okay for her to go. All while she was taking her last breath. I walked in to the living room and looked at my dad and said she's gone. And my eyes filled with tears. Then I called up my brother and told him to come back and that she was gone and to please drive safe. Hospice showed up to declare her passed and then called the funeral home. I then gave my Mom hugs and kisses for the last time and told her that I loved her and that my sister and niece loved her too very much. I wish I could of spent more time with her and I know I could of by my concern was letting her go before Mags woke up. I didn't know how she would react or want her to see our Mom being carried out of the house in sheets. It was the hardest day of my life. And still feels like yesterday. 

L'Oreal Paris Voluminous VoxBox

This was the voxbox I recieved from Influenster for free to review my honest opinion. I am addicted and infatuated with these products. Every single one of them. I am most excited about the mascara primer and mascara. I have never ever tried mascara primer nor had any knowledge it even existed. I am someone who has barely noticeable lashes. I tried these two products and I was blown away at how beautiful they made my eyelashes look! For once I felt so completely flawless. I am not one to use fake lashes. I tried before and it was an epic fail. So to have these are a lifesaver. I will most definitely have these on my to buy list every time I run out! These are now a MUST HAVE! I cant even begin to express how beautiful I felt. The infallible eyeliner was slim and goes on so smoothly. It makes it so much easier to not make a mess! I also was very impressed with the eye shadow. It was truly beautiful together. The whole look was flawless! I paired all these products with the L'Oreal Lumi foundation! They went together nicely. I love the fact that the eye brow palette came with tiny tweezers. Although they are rather difficult to use when you have chubby fingers. But they are cute. It also came with a little eye brow brush. 

Here is my finished look. I love it! Thank you L'Oreal! Your products are AH-mazing!! And thank you Influenster!

Seventh Generation Va-Jingle

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Seventh Generation

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ZzzQuil

I received ZzzQuil from Influenster for free. To share my honest review. I had trouble sleeping the other night and needed some help. I'm not one to use or take lots of medicine. But I decided to give it a try. I was so restless and so tired but could not get my brain to shut off and let me sleep. Anxiety often keeps my brain busy. I popped these ZzzQuil and fell asleep fairly quick. I got a good nights sleep and woke up feeling refreshed and alert. I didn't feel drowsy or groggy. I felt like I got the right amount of sleep.  I would definitely recommend this to anyone who needs a little boost to get more sleep. I love that these are non-habit forming. So if I need them a few nights a week I don't have to worry about getting addicted to them. Although the rest I got might already have me addicted! 

L'Oreal Paris EverPure

This is my first time using L'Oreal Paris EverPure products and I have to say these products are amazing. They are also the first line of vegan hair care products I have tested. I absolutely am in love with them. I have color-treated hair and everyone knows that means your hair is brittle and dry and damaged. These products help to repair damaged color treated hair. They work excellent! They leave my hair feeling refreshed. So healthy and shiny. After using them its like a breath of fresh air. It just makes you feel good! I love the fact that they are specifically for my type of hair and that they are sulfate-free. I love the hair mask. It leaves my hair so baby soft and silky. I would recommend these to anyone. They also have other lines for different hair types.  I can use these products and don't have to feel guilty putting all those nasty chemicals in my hair. Its made my hair stronger already. I've gotten compliments about how vibrant my hair looks. It makes me feel so much more confident. I do not have to hide my hair in a pony tail when I go out of the house. I love dying my hair but its so harmful for my hair but thanks to these products I don't have to worry about that anymore. 

I received these products free for testing through Influenster. Sign up today! 

Just some thoughts...

Things have been hectic lately. My moms cancer came back. She went in for her second biopsy and she went through it fine. Came home after surgery and everything slowly went downhill from there. Her right side got weaker and weaker. She lost mobility in her arm. And most of her mobility in her leg. Her speech went too. Then she suffered from UTI's. She was hospitalized a few times to receive antibiotics to fight the infection. The infection cleared and then it would come back. Her body has been through so much she no longer has the fight left in her to fight off the infection. Her body is constantly trying to battle the cancer and is so tired. Everyday I watch her slowly decline. She would use all the energy she had to get into the wheel chair to come into the livingroom. And the transfers from the wheel chair to the couch and the couch to the wheel chair and the wheel chair to bed wore her out. After a few weeks she just couldnt take it anymore. Shes on hospice and no longer wants to fight the cancer nor the UTI infections. So its just a matter of time before shes gone. Even though this is what she wants and I respect her wishes its so hard to watch. But everyday I find some kind of strength to keep pushing and keep trying to make her days brighter, and to keep her comfortable. I take each day at a time. I constantly wonder is today the day. Am I gonna find her passed? What will I do? How will I react? The truth is I dont know. I can not prepare myself for this because its just not something you can predict. Even though I have mentally been trying to prepare myself for this for quite some time. I just can't. Letting go is so hard. And I am in this alone. Even though there are people I can talk to I still feel alone. Nobody else has been here through it all. I have been with my Mom every step of the way since she was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. I went to every doctors visit, Every radiation and chemo treatment. I have taken care of her this whole time. Everyday and every hour of every minute side by side like two peas in one pod. I cant possible begin to tell you that even though my Mom has speech problems and cant get out what she wants to say, in my heart I already know. Thats how close we have become. I can tell you what she wants before she can mutter the words out of her mouth. I have done everything possible to keep her content. I grew up in a family where showing emotion was something we did in crisis situations. I have kept my feelings inside for so long I dont even know how to let them out. I have had a wall up and kept to myself I have no friends and no one that is truly even there for me besides family. I cant blame anyone for that besides myself. Because I have to be the one to make the effort to let people in and I have to be the one to make the step towards wanting friendship. I have spent a majority of my teenage life and adult life taking care of my family. I dont even know what I am going to do with myself. I will still have my handicapped sister to take care of but I've been taken care of two people for so long I will still feel lost. I dont know what the future holds. But for now I'll just spend as much time as I can with my Mom and figure things out later. Its a scary road....